Difference Between Discipline and Control

Bikram Yoga

I sometimes worry I could have ended up in a cult, but then I remember when I was 17 years old, taking Bikram Yoga classes.

I loved the high from sweating out my toxins. It was 120 degrees outside, and I willingly went into a 100-degree hot box to practice poses designed to ring out whatever I’d been up to on the weekend.

This went on for awhile and I felt each pose become a prayer when I wasn’t being competitive with the other bodies in the room.

With many of the poses, I was faced with an inability to come close to the desired result, and that made me determined to get better. To not feel like an awful mess of a body at the young age of 17.

At the same time, I got lightheaded, dizzy, the room would go dark, and I felt I might vomit. When that would happen, I’d rest in child’s pose or go get some fresh air. Those moments kept me coming back. There was a freedom I got in those classes to explore my body that I longed for.

One day, the teacher stood in front of the door and said, “Stay in the room.”

“No.” Was my immediate response. “I might throw up.”

Something about the militant nature of her telling me I couldn’t do something woke up an immediate rage and righteousness in me. Who did she think she was? How dare she?

I could have easily retreated inside of myself, felt small, told myself to listen to her, I’d done that with other people, with teachers, with ex-boyfriends, with friends. Why was this different?

Looking back, I think it’s because this hellishly hot yoga practice became a free space to explore my body, to face myself, to be with myself, and those moments of fresh air gave me a sense of calm, a feeling that it would all be ok, the heat and the nausea would pass. Those pauses were me being kind to myself; that’s when I listened to my body the most. I knew I needed a break; it was too damn hot, and I felt sick.

Somehow, I knew in my bones that yoga=freedom; her telling me to stay in the hot room was control.

I left and never turned back.

I found other yoga classrooms.

Other controlling teachers, even better, I found teachers who guided me toward liberation, toward uniting my body, mind, and spirit.

Decades later, I watched the Bikram yoga documentary and was beyond grateful for the intelligence in my body to know that something about that practice was wrong.

Our bodies know the truth,

We’ve just all been programmed to ignore our bodies, to ignore the truth, and to ignore the wisdom of our bodies.

I encourage you to listen to your body, to trust its guidance, especially if you are in communities of people where you feel controlled and unsafe.

I didn’t know a lot about cults until I was older, but now I’m determined to at the very least talk about them. They are insidious, and they seem to thrive in the United States, where too many of us are brainwashed to override our bodies’ natural intelligence.

Endless thoughts & meditation

If you sit to meditate, you will likely find your mind is wild.

You might also find that your body feels terrible.

If both of these things are true, start lying flat on your back with a guided meditation. You can bend your knees and place your hands on your lower belly or heart, wherever they feel the most calming and grounding.

Then listen to the words of the meditation. This will bring your mind into the present moment. It will get your mind to focus, and you will feel your body respond to the stillness, the deeper breaths, and the focused mind.